Power of Questions
If you want better answers, ask better questions. Intentional open-ended questions can create stronger relationships with everyone you encounter. This only happens when it is done from an authentic place.
An area where most of us could do better is in our ability to ask better questions. This is something which improves your personal and professional relationships. A major key to asking better questions is that the focus must be on others. You need to be genuinely curious about the person you are having a conversation with. Many of us often fail to remember that a great conversation is 50-50 or at least 60-40 in the time spent talking and listening. When we are with people who only wish to dominate the discussion, we withdraw and disengage.
I think many of us would concur that we find it unenjoyable to talk with someone who constantly wants to espouse all that they know. We have been in meetings where this occurs, we have witnessed facilitators that turn into orators and thus leave us feeling disengaged and “talked at.” Unfortunately, when given the opportunity to be in those same arenas as the one on stage, we do the same thing. So, what is it about the human condition that instructs us to overtalk and pontificate (one of my favorite words by the way)? Reasons that we fall into the trap of making statements instead of asking questions are many.
Here are a few that make my list:
Our ego wants us to be validated with all that we know
When we lack confidence, we tend to overcompensate by talking
It is what we have seen modeled.
We could further discuss all the psychological reasons of how we have gotten here, however I think it is more important to give you tools to improve your questioning abilities and start building better relationships.
I have read two excellent books that have fed my beliefs about the power of questions. “Good Leaders Ask Great Questions” by John Maxwell and “The Book of Beautiful Questions” by Warren Berger. Great sources of more knowledge if you want to dig a little deeper into the power of questions.
To become a provocative question-asker, you must truly be interested and curious about other people. Curiosity and interest in others exhibit to them that you value them. One of the greatest assets we possess is our time. When we use our valuable time and take an interest in someone, they will feel valued and want to engage with us in the future. If you are a leader with a title, it is imperative to make people feel valued. People seldom quit jobs or companies, they quit their supervisor because they feel as the relationship is only transactional. Be curious and invest in others.
Secondly, questions must be open-ended. If you truly want better answers, you do need to ask better questions. Many of us fall into easy questions that call for one- or two-word answers. An easy example would be: how are you? When and if I use that question, I am only expecting a short answer. What I am communicating to the recipient is that I don’t have the time for a real conversation and I am just acknowledging that they exist. This may seem harsh and may
not be your intention, however this is how subconsciously it is perceived often by the human brain. Open-ended questions give the receiver the opportunity to give you more. Sometimes they will and sometimes they won’t, but you are leaving the door open for when they need to share more.
This leads me to my final thought for today. You need to ask follow-up questions? Asking people to tell you more or go deeper has great power to build a stronger bond, even though you may not be aware. Recently, I was facilitating a meeting with a group of high school coaches on questioning and its’ power. My question to one of the coaches was: “what is your favorite college sports team?” He answered and I asked another question; “do you wear any of their gear?” “Do other coaches’ banter with you when you where that gear?” I asked a few more short questions and a few of his colleagues piped in to offer their take on his choice. It took all of 90 seconds and now I knew so much more than his favorite college team. I also allowed the group to join in on the fun. Maybe this was a waste of time; or maybe it was something that he and the group will regale at some future meeting.
We all can become more interested and better question-askers with very little effort. We just need to be thoughtful and intentional about the end-goal. Exhibiting curiosity, using open ended questions, and the power of follow-up questions will aid you in connecting with others. Remember that great questioning can help you brighten the day of others, and it takes a small amount of time and effort.
I am going to list a few questions below that find my especially be helpful in getting to bond at a deeper level with people. The first one was asked to me by might “much-better half” over dinner a few nights ago. I hope these help you become an improved question guru!
1. What was something unexpected that happened today?
2. Tell me about how you came to know/believe that?
3. Who is someone you admire and why?
4. Who do you think that decision will benefit the most and why?
5. What energizes or fills you up?